Whole truth?: Simran Mangharam has tips on what not to say to a loved one

Two weeks ago, I wrote about how, even between two loving life partners, the whole truth can sometimes be too much. (That was ‘The subtle art of heart-to-heart’; August 25.)

But how does one know where to draw the line, between effective communication and the things that must not be said? I promised to offer tips, and here they are.

* Lead with love. As a rule, avoid offering opinions that will erode the other person’s self-worth. Physical features, weight gain or loss, the sound of someone’s laugh and other harmless quirks should be no-go areas.
Even if asked for an opinion, tread carefully. There is a good chance that what they’re really asking is: “You still love me, right?” Is this a good time to lie? The truth is one shouldn’t have to. One should be able to say, unequivocally, that this surface issue doesn’t matter.
A good next move: Ask how they feel, what they want, or how they would like to proceed.
As always, it helps to put oneself in their shoes. What would you most like to hear, at such a juncture?
* Avoid comparisons. They really do not help.
“Aman manages his money so much better; he earns about as much as you do, but look at their lifestyle.” Or “Esha loves looking after her in-laws. I wish you could find the time to be more caring”… The reason this is so destructive is that it presents the issue as a lose-lose situation for the other person. It isn’t a discussion of how things stand, or how to tackle a problem. It’s a veiled accusation, paired with the declaration that your partner is simply not as good as someone else’s.
There is no upside to making such a claim.
* Let parents be off-limits. In my professional experience, it rarely helps to highlight the unpleasant habits of a partner’s parents, if they do not share your living space. Instead, a growing and heartening trend involves each partner “managing” their own mother and father. Difficult discussions, chaotic events, mood swings and other such situations are all dealt with by the offspring, creating an environment in which it is easier for everyone to remain friendly and respectful to each other. 
* Stop resurrecting that one big mistake. It may still hurt that she forgot your birthday. Or sting that he lost so much money on a gamble. But once it has been addressed and laid to rest, with the correct amends and promises made, let it lie.
Any equation between two humans — even one not based in love; even a professional one — must make room for mistakes. It is vital to find a way to move on, if one values the health of the relationship.
This does not apply to mistakes that are repeated, of course; it doesn’t apply to partners too lazy to make an effort. But if the issue hasn’t recurred, and still hurts or haunts you, that is not enough reason to exhume it. Let it go.
* Don’t try to be each other’s psychologist. Lasting trauma should be tackled with help from a professional. It is dangerous, and often unsustainable, to attempt to provide mental-health care for one another. Just as one wouldn’t try to fix a fractured arm, one shouldn’t tinker with emotional scar tissue. It isn’t your job to know how much to say, or when, or how, in such a context. You are not equipped to kiss away all hurt.
If you see a worrying pattern, or know the other person is struggling, this is one of those times to speak up. “Shall we find someone to help us through this,” is a good way to begin.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])